Are you really living?

There are other people who feel that life is pretty OK. They work, take care of their children, their families, and their friends. This is a fantastic place to be in if you’re happy with your life. But if there’s a part of you thinking “is this really it?” Is this all that life has to offer me and my loved ones? Life feels slightly hollow, even though you can’t quite put your finger on why. At times like this, it’s worth taking step a back to remember the law of nature: you grow, or you die! This might sound harsh, but it’s often true when it comes to mental health: if we stop growing or developing, it can feel like life loses whatever meaning it once had. Some people describe this in terms of ‘emptiness’ – these feelings are natural, and everyone gets them from time to time. But the key point is what these thoughts do to your mood. If you find yourself becoming more and more frustrated with your situation, even depressed, it’s time to act, before you make life miserable for both yourself and those around you.

Then you have the people who constantly need to improve, to evolve, to develop, and who feel as though they can’t relax unless they’re in a constant state of change. Does this sound familiar? Even if it doesn’t describe yourself, perhaps you know someone who fits the bill? In any case, learning new life skills is a fantastic feeling - to know that you’re growing, opening up new areas of life. But what “we” need to be careful about is to make sure we’re enjoying each step along the way. Personally, I’ve worked hard to focus on being grateful for what I already have. I’ve often found, upon achieving a life goal, that it doesn’t take long before I start to reach out for new ones. This is a good thing, in the sense that life should always be moving forwards, but it can be an exhausting way to live if you don’t remember to enjoy it. So, what can those of us who are “constantly” changing, and evolving, do about it? I mentioned gratitude, for what you have and for what you’ve achieved, and that’s vital to achieving a deeper satisfaction with life. We should never stop changing, or growing. But we should also take the time to reflect on what we already have, or we’ll be left with nothing but the hunt for the next challenge, the next step. This takes practice, and needs to become part of our daily routine. For example: I’m grateful that I’m healthy, my children are OK, I still have my wife, and I still have my hair.

The point isn’t to put people into boxes, but rather to show that we think in different ways, and that we accept our situations based on what we’ve learnt. The questions you need to ask are these: How am I doing? Can I still be living this way in one year, five years, in ten years’ time? Am I really living the life I want to live? Or, how wide is the gap between “what I want” and “what I currently have”? How does this affect me and the people around me? These are the things we need to be asking ourselves.

From a different angle:
When life starts to feel like being in an amusement park where you don’t get to go on any of the rides! All you can see is how much fun everyone else is having, while you can only stand and watch. Yes, you might wish you could leap onto the carousel with the others. BUT you don’t. In other words, I want you to make the most of the life you have.

 

How do I work, and how can I can help you?

Part 1: What is your life like now? Why? Where do you want to be?
To help you find your path in life as effectively as possible, it’s important to understand where you are today. How you’re doing, and how you feel, affects your actions. What friends and loved ones do you currently have in your life, and who do you wish was there? We are affected by those we spend the most time with. How is your health? Are your finances stable, or are they a source of concern?

Phase one, in brief, is about finding out where you currently are in life. It’s important to devote some time to this before plotting the road ahead. Imagine that your car breaks down, and you need to call for help. The first thing they’re going to ask is where you are. If you don’t know, it might take a long time before help arrives. The same is true for people. If we want to change something, or set new goals for ourselves, we need to understand where we are today, and why we’re there.

Why we’re there is often related to how we’re trying to meet our primary needs. We do this in many different ways, both good and less good. The less good ways create stress, even anxiety. Research shows us that there are six basic needs that drive us to do what we do. In phase one, we explore which of these basic needs are most important for you.

Part 2: What’s stopping you/holding you back from living the life you really want?
Fear is often the biggest reason we aren’t living the way we really want to. Our belief system. What we tell ourselves that can prevent us from getting to where we want to be.

What do we tell ourselves? And what are the consequences of this for the choices we make? We smile indulgently at little at children who believe in Father Christmas, or people who believe in the supernatural. BUT are you sure that what you tell yourself, and what you believe in, is always true?

One example of a negative belief system is if I tell myself that I’m not smart enough to achieve my dreams and goals. In fact, there are plenty of people who think this way. Another could be the idea that I’m lazy. Perhaps you were told you were lazy as a child, or you didn’t get good enough grades at school? Or that I don’t dare to love anyone, because my belief system tells that I will be abandoned. How do you think thoughts like this will affect your love life? Or how can you hope to get that dream job, when you tell yourself that you’re too lazy, not smart enough? It’s entirely possible to have several different negative thought patterns at the same time. Here, we see how your thoughts can hold you back from living the life you want.

Find out which belief systems might be hindering you. Perhaps there are several? The most important thing is to identify them, so we can assess them. For example: do they still hold true today? Where do they come from? Do they help you at all, to avoid taking responsibility? What values do they represent? The next step is to replace them with something that doesn’t stand in the way of our self-development.

Part 3: How to turn fear into a friend, and change our way of thinking.
Have you heard the expression “when you wrestle a pig, you’re going to get dirty”? Another expression tells us that “where focus goes, energy flows”.

What happens when it doesn’t help to fight fear? When the more I focus on it, the more it grows? What do I do then? You welcome it. “Oh, here you are again, then. I recognise you now. You’re welcome to visit, but today you’re coming with me, not the other way around!” This enables you to gradually take back control over your life. You’re NOT getting rid of fear, you just need to show it who’s boss. You’re not going to let it stop you from living the life deeply want and deserve.

This task is extremely important, if you want to regain control of your life. You’ll move from the back seat, where life could take you anywhere, to the driver’s seat, where you can take a firm grip on the steering wheel!

NB: this is an ongoing process, a bit like saving money. It can take time, but if you apply it consistently every time fear raises its head, it will lose its power.
 

Part 4: Health
At this point we work together to devise a strategy, an action plan for how to achieve your goals. What you should do on a day-to-day basis? This is hugely important for overcoming negative thought patterns. Remember: it’s the things you work on every day that will produce results. It’s a bit like saving money. Why doesn’t everyone do it? Unfortunately, lots of people simply get impatient when their bank accounts don’t immediately fill up with money. The same mechanisms apply in personal development.

We finish the coaching program by examining your health. This can be very important when it comes to achieving the quality of life you want for yourself. You will receive concrete advice about food that’s good for you, and how to find sustainable ways to exercise. I look at the body as a battery that stores energy. What you eat defines how much energy you have. To make the changes in life that you are seeking, you’ll need a lot of energy. This means that health is an important area on which to focus.

This is intended to serve as a small taster of the coaching program I use – in practice, each individual will receive personalised coaching as the course progresses. We are, as previously mentioned, all at different stages in our lives, and the challenges we face vary widely. The most important point to remember is that, no matter what you’ve faced or are currently facing, there is always a way out. And that road out passes through you! A person who has truly set his or her mind on something is almost impossible to stop!

All the best,
Martin